I find that this is such a wonderful revelation to why and how i was reacting when i was with Amelia. It's wonderful not because the times were worth remembering, but the revelation now. Just to be clear.

So, I was thinking why I would think that I would want to die for her. On the exterior, I claimed that I would love till my last breath. Yet, I realised I did not know what i was talking. Yes there is still an element of death in this sudden revelation. However, this death was that I was willing to die not because of the great love that Bibles proclaim. Rather, this notion of death came from the fact that I felt/experienced no love - neither divine nor earthly - that made my life so miserable that dying seemed like an option to take.

Perhaps some background before anyone points fingers to any party for this decaying relationship. For myself, I basically was a parasite to her, constantly trying to find ways to please her. Add if that's my life. Then I tried to own her (listen to Kaci Brown's Unbelievable), taking something that's not mine, and revolved my life around a person that was her. So that technically blinded me to the divine side of life. And of course, navigating through the maze to divinity blinded-folded with the end goal of building a divinely loved family actually separated us further. Without love on every side, every day felt long and draining, only to be sustained by caffeine and addiction to earthly things, feeding onto pointless computer games and purposeless lustrous desires.

Thank goodness this has come so far.

And I kind of regretted forcefully picking my favourite songs to her. What a waste. But probably I was just sharing a part of my life. Now we're apart. But it's not as sad as it sounds. HA! Ok back to studying. Dilys at science is nice though :)

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